[Falcon News Note: The Falcon Shriek is a satirical column that comically exaggerates the truth and takes absurd stances that do not truly reflect the views of Falcon News or of any of its staff.]
“When unauthorized use of the portions of streets reserved for vehicular traffic pose an immediate safety hazard, the Eugene Police Department has found that a $250 fine has not been an effective penalty to compel some persons to immediately address the safety hazards associated with the unauthorized use.”
Those are the words taken directly from the meeting minutes for the Eugene City Council meeting on April 18. In that meeting, the City Council began discussing the possibility of doubling the fine for those yucky homeless people using the streets of Eugene. Currently, the penalty is a fine of $250; however, the rocket scientists on the City Council are considering doubling that fine.
In my experience, whenever I have a problem, if hitting it with a hammer doesn’t work, simply finding a bigger hammer usually does the trick.
In addition to the already brilliant strategy of charging more money of homeless people — who are famously flush with cash — the City of Eugene is also considering adding jail time as a penalty for the public danger of existing in the streets or leaving one’s belongings in the streets. Of course, as we all know, sending homeless people to jail is a tactic that has found widespread success nationwide, as giving struggling people a criminal record famously makes it even easier for them to get back on their feet. Getting a job, applying for affordable housing and, really, life in general just gets easier for people with a criminal record.
In addition, the $500 fine is the perfect amount to both generate revenue and discourage homelessness. A survey by Bankrate in 2017 found that about 60% of Americans would go into debt if an unexpected $500 expense popped up. I’m certain that the homeless are not in this 60% of people! Obviously, charging people who are already short on money will make it easier for them to do things like afford housing and transportation.
Every American patriot must fully support the bright ideas of the Eugene City Council, as we believe in punishing people for being poor by making them poorer.
