[Falcon News Note: The Falcon Shriek is a satirical column that comically exaggerates the truth and takes absurd stances that do not truly reflect the views of Falcon News or of any of its staff.]
These have been trying times for all of us. Everyone, regardless of occupation, has been impacted in some way by the economic hardships brought forth from the COVID-19 pandemic, and now with restrictions finally being lifted, many are struggling to readjust to the unmasking world. Many are proving themselves to be incompetent and out of practice at their jobs in this new post-COVID economy.
It is because of this that we here at The Falcon Shriek are so relieved to see hardworking Americans absorbing themselves fully into their work, eagerly jumping to the task at hand.
That is exactly what Eugene man Timothy Hills, 54, did, according to reports by the Eugene Police Department.
Proving one’s worth as an older person in the workplace can be difficult, as they are typically stereotyped as having less stamina and being behind in the game to be in the same occupation as people much younger than oneself. But the truth is that many people have to just do the job they can get, and if one is able to earn a living doing a job they actually like, it seems foolish to fault them for that.
Evidently, Hills has found a job that he not only is motivated to do, but has also gained some brief notoriety in his field. On Feb. 28, Hills was seen hard at work by police in a Dari-Mart on Monroe Street, having arrived early — at 4 a.m. He was not an employee of Lochmead Family Farms, however. He is one of the 16 million self-employed Americans in this country, proudly striking out on their own to forge a life which they can take into their own hands.
Evidently, Hills was so accomplished in his profession that while on his meal break, police officers who witnessed his handiwork felt the need to recognize his hard work with two awards — citations for second-degree burglary and second-degree criminal mischief.
His profession? Robbery.
But even after this extraordinary ceremony had wrapped up and he was released from the police, Hills — while recovering from several cuts wrought by broken glass on the job — returned to work and carried out yet another burglary on that very same day!
Only mere hours later, police again attempted to recognize Hills for his work, this time at the venue of Hutch’s Bicycles. However, Hills, being incredibly humble, at first allegedly refused to accept the award from police, playfully throwing a fire extinguisher in their direction. Police gave Hills a free ride to the Lane County Jail for his hard work.
[The Truth: This article is factually correct with stylistic embellishments.]
