[Falcon News Note: The Falcon Shriek is a satirical column that comically exaggerates the truth and takes absurd stances that do not truly reflect the views of Falcon News or of any of its staff.]
During Super Bowl Sunday, while many Americans were distracted with their guac-consuming reverie, sinister forces were at play.
Unbeknownst to many so-called “patriots,” whose dereliction of duty likely led to this tragedy, the wicked goons at the United States Department of Agriculture were hard at work implementing what can only be described as a recreation of George Orwell’s 1984, but for avocados.
The crooked USDA’s so-called justification for this appalling example of government overreach can be linked back to a so-called “death threat” to a USDA inspector, although further investigation shows that this death threat was actually justified, because that same inspector had also denied a whole shipment of avocados into the US, an action which demands retribution. However, instead of accepting that they were in the wrong and accepting the price to be paid in blood, the USDA stubbornly doubled down, banning all of those delicious green fruits coming into our great country from Mexico.
Now, thanks to the incompetence and malicious practices of a corrupt bureaucratic agency, countless Americans will suffer needlessly as the avocado supply dwindles and the prices explode.
What is to be done about this? Sadly, the crooked system currently allows for no true justice to ever truly be achieved within legal means. Even the cartels which control the avocado industry are oppressed by this brutal food inspection regime. It seems that no hope for recourse against our tyrants can be found. This is, of course, because none exists.
It is the official opinion of this news site that this avocado ban reflects not just that our economy is in the dumpster, but serves as an indicator that our whole civilization is teetering on the brink of utter collapse. First they come for our avocados, then next it’ll be our onions, and soon we won’t have a single thing to dip our chips in. Once that happens, millions – nay, billions – of Americans are bound to starve to death.
[The Truth: There is a ban on avocado imports to the United States; however, a significant amount of avocados consumed within the United States are grown domestically.]
